Politically Obvious

New Rule: This Mother’s Day, all Americans must pause and extend a special thanks to the women who maintain our homes, who take care of our kids, and who still make time for sex with Dad. I’m talking, of course, about our nannies. Lost in this whole immigration debate is why Americans want to be so harsh on the people who, in so many and varied ways, enable them to sit on their fat asses. Nannies, valet parkers, gardeners, all the people who do the things we’re a little too busy or important to do. There are plenty of people to be mad at our there — the jerks at Goldman Sachs, the idiots at BP, the guy who charged you fifty bucks for these tickets — why set our crosshairs on the humble, servile people?

I’ll tell you why. Because we’re bullies. Instead of confronting real threats, like the debt or the environment or Utah, we pick out the poorest, most defenseless kid on the block — illegal immigrants — and say, “What are you looking at?” But I’ll tell you something, you anti-immigrant hoopies — as usual you’re mad at the wrong people. It was corporate America that busted your unions and didn’t keep your pay up to the cost of living, causing your wife to have to go to work and Esmeralda to have to come in to watch the kids. Your problem is low wages, not low riders. A middle class life can now only be maintained with the presence of an underpaid underclass. In the 1940s, fewer than one in five moms worked outside the home. Ironically, mostly in bomber factories, to beat Nazi Germany, a place, like Arizona, where you always had to show your papers. I kid, that’s an unfair comparison. The Germans knew how to dress.

All this anger that we see aimed at the Mexican underclass might be more understandable if illegals came here with a bad attitude and sent the crime rate soaring — but they don’t. The Justice Department says violent crime in Arizona is at its lowest point since 1971. Property crime is at its lowest since 1966. There is no problem. There’s only dicks and the politicians who pander to them.

I know this is anecdotal, but I’ve hired several immigrant housekeepers — legal immigrants, I might add, in case anyone at the White House is considering me for a Cabinet position — and they’ve all done great work. Especially on my monologue. While the one American-born Caucasian guy I hired to do some handyman work stole my tools. You know who you are, Stephen Baldwin.

And when I drive home every day and see maids trudging up a steep hill to the mansions where they work, and I offer them a ride, I’m astounded: they never refuse, because they’re so exhausted that they’ll accept a ride from a mysterious gringo blasting rap music, even though that’s the beginning of every slasher movie ever. You know, neighbors, you’re trusting these women to clean your homes, feed your pets, and give your kids their daily dose of Ritalin — the least you can do is not make them walk up the hill.

Some time in the distant future, brown people are probably going to — and I say this without judgment — breed their way to power in both Europe and America. Arab populations are growing in countries like France and Holland, and I think we all see where this Mexican thing is going in America. That’s right, because they fuck more, the darker skinned people are going to rule the world, and white people, for their own self-preservation, should get a start on being nice to them now! Nice! Just be nice, to the poor and desperate people who change our Depends and cook our food, hopefully not in that order.